Becoming myself.
Seeing What Others Couldn't
I was born with a natural curiosity and wonder.
Noticing things about my environment, and particularly about the people around me. How they behaved, how they moved, how they looked at each other…
But when I looked around to see if anyone else was also noticing, I seemed to be alone.
Alone in noticing the seemingly subtle unfolding of life in front of my eyes, and not being able to share it, I started to retreat inwards. Holding a fear of looking dumb or confused, I kept my perceptions to myself.
Still the drive to understand, I continued figuring out the reality I saw within by myself.
A capacity emerged, that could start to see further than what was in front of me. Envisioning and projecting many possible future paths – always in a process of making-sense and understand what I was witnessing.
Not realising however, that a lot of this seeking was sourced from a fear of being hurt, misunderstood, rejected or dismissed.
A deeply reflective mind formed, that was not only cognicent of my external environment, but also of my inner environment. Synthesizing, organizing, and integrating thoughts, inputs, ideas, and concepts.
This is is one of my superpowers.
And if you’re reading this, most likely one of yours also.
The Cost Of Seeing
But this superpower is also my kryptonite.
Because I learned to focus on the subtle complexities surrounding me, and then synthesizing what I learn in my mind, I lacked the practice of embodying, slowing down, and resting in the present moment.
“It’ll be safer, if I make sense of the situation by myself first.”
The here-and-now moment became a object to understand, rather than to simply experience. Finding myself over-expressing this ability to associate, relate, compare, synthesize, structure, reveal and unfold through my mental capacities.
And so while others navigated the world with apparent ease, I found myself over-thinking, over-analyzing, doubting, and questioning myself and my actions. And of course also the actions and perspectives of others.
I got stuck in thought, when it was vitality, connection and joy I was seeking.
But because I had taken a many steps away from my embodied desires, I couldn’t feel the yearning in my heart. All I could feel was a latent frustration that spread itself throughout my experience.
I was actually angry with how things had gone, but I could only feel boredom.
From boredom, I deepened my inquiries into myself. Finding into more nuanced layers of my own way of thinking. And moving even further away from the desires my embodied self had.
And so I continued to double-down on figuring it out and making sense of the world – by myself.
The Path of Becoming My Full Self
I continued to walk down a path of slowly draining the Joy I had experienced when I was younger, out of my life.
Sure, I was being acknowledged for the mind I had developed over the years, but I knew inside, that I was missing something. I understood that I had navigated myself into a dead-end.
But the main tool I had – my ability to think – I knew would only lead me deeper into that dead-end.
And so I decided to set on a new path. One that I hadn’t gone down yet. Not knowing where it would lead me… potentially into an even darker dead-end?
I knew however, that going down this new path, would lead me back into myself and those parts of me, that I had avoided for years by thinking it through, just a couple more times.
I realised, I had been using my creative mind to get further and further away from myself.
And so I prepared and then slowly turn around, back into my own insecurities, doubts, worries and concerns. Back into the full reality of being an embodied human. Into my fears, into my anger, into my sadness and into my Joy.
What I found enlivened me deeply.
And keeps enlivening me every day. Because what I keep finding is the aliveness at the base of my spine. The source and power that makes me wiggle from excitement, that makes my eyes sparkle, and makes my heart glow.
A continually unfolding of the full picture of who I am.
